Feeling 22…

So, I am a huge lover of music.  There is something about it that helps me express deeper emotions – something I can resonate with.  I love when I am listening to a song and can feel like, “Yes – you get me.”  It is nice to know you are not the only one to ever feel that way.  Recently, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s new album Red.  She gets single women – probably because she is one.  Maybe I seem to relate to ever song because not too long ago I went through a really crappy break up and was hurt in a way I never had experienced before, and maybe it is just I am a single 27-year old female who wants to be loved and adored.  Either way – Taylor we are resonating, and I don’t think we are alone on that. 
 
Seriously, every song – the order of the songs even is perfect.  I personally love that first we have I Almost Do (a song about wanting to call and go back to your ex) followed directly by We are Never Getting Back Together (rather self-explanatory) because those two together, in that order – oh yep I know exactly who those two make me think of – and I am sure that the majority of you could also probably do the same.  And then, there are all the fabulous rebound songs, too – hello 22 you nailed it.  No matter what your age, if you are rebounding you are feeling 22.
 
The best lyric from 22 I think is, “You look like bad news.  I gotta have you, I gotta have you.” Oh yes, been there – done that. Why do we do this to ourselves?  Women – why do we acknowledge that, “Yes – you are a bad idea.  Thus, I want you.”???  What is so deeply built into us that it sucks us in every time.  Why are we unable to learn from the past?  The best is when we let the same guy draw us in time and time again.  It is just absurd.  Right?! 
 
What does the bad boy have to offer?  Why do we not like the idea of the safe guy?  Believer or non-believer – it is an issue.  It is an issue that I thought would go away eventually after becoming a Christian – but nope.  Eight years later, still an issue – and it is not getting any easier as I get older and all the “safe” or at least safer options my age are dwindling – but those bad options, they seem to becoming up everywhere.  Are these guys okay with being the bad idea?? 
 
The guys with the more rough on the edges and bad boy feel to them often are the dark and mysterious type that is confident.  Those things are not bad – in fact, I personally am praying that if the Lord would have me married that my husband would be those things – at first (hoping the mystery part would go away as I get to know him) – but also, he would be a man who loves Jesus.  In my full resting in the gospel moments I am there – I want that – I trust God with where He has me.  But, in my weak moments when I am lost in the moment and not thinking big picture and this really cute guy just asks so nicely and then is saying everything I want to hear – yup, I’m done for. 
 
So do we stay hopeless?  Is this an ongoing cycle until my earthly Hosea or Boaz comes along to rescue me?  NO.  Or at least is doesn’t have to be.  It is not a fight that is won in one day; rather, it is a daily fight.  A daily fight to keep trusting Jesus, keep leaning and depending on him.  You cannot do it on your own – but the good news is you are not expected to do it on your own either. 

I certainly do not have all the answers figured out on this one.  And am still wrestling with it personally – but I just had to get some of my thoughts out I have been thinking about recently.  If any of you have thoughts please share – and not just women, I always welcome a man’s perspective (okay – those of you that know me well know that I do not always welcome a man’s perspective – but I am growing in that and welcoming it right now 🙂 )

Much love,

B

2 Comments

Filed under Music, Thoughts

The Wedge of Deception…

Deception.  The act of deceiving, which is to mislead by a false appearance or statement; delude.

Wow, when I look up the definition and see it spelled out before my eyes it sinks in so much more.  Deception is evil and hurtful – not innocent.  Yet, it is so easy to convince yourself that you are not doing something wrong.  You simply do not want to tell this one person the whole story because you know what they are going to say – and you feel fine with the decision you made or are making.  We have an amazing ability to convince ourselves why we are justified to keep some things in the dark from those we dare to call our closest friends, so close they are family.  Sin itself is deceptive.  The problem is, if these people really are that close, then they will still love you, even if they think you are making an unwise decision.  They will tell you it is unwise, because they love you, but still be on your team and fight with you and for your best.

Last night, my deception became too much.  I had to go sit in front of two of my best friends and confess that I had not out right lied to them, but I had very intentionally chosen not tell them about a choice I had made.  I felt fine before the Lord about my choice.  I had told the other people in my inner circle about my choice.  I just didn’t want to tell them because I know they are my most conservative friends and that they had a different stance – sure, they don’t think it is sin, but they certainly think it is unwise – and I just did not want to hear it because I did not want to feel like a child.  I did a great job of justifying it in my head why I was withholding this information.  I had a whole case built up.  I wasn’t lying –  so I was fine right?  I mean I was living in the light with others – so it is all good, right?  Wrong.  I was misleading them to think something else.  It was a lie of omission.  Like any lie, I was found out – someone else had told them, assuming they already knew – they were hurt and hot pissed, and rightfully so.  I had greatly wronged them – I had full on deceived them – two of the people that have been far more committed to my life than anyone else ever has.  They did not come to me and confront me though, and I am thankful that the Lord broke me down to come to them, confess, talk through and ask for forgiveness.

It was not an easy conversation by any means.  I broke their trust.  I drove this wedge in our relationship – and made them question, what else had I deluded and mislead them on??  And how did these two respond?  With grace and forgiveness – there were tears because there was deep hurt – but they both in their own way said, “I forgive you because you are forgiven in Jesus the same way I am forgiven in Jesus.”  I went to bed last night thinking – wow, the cross is so big and covers so much more than I can comprehend – because I know that all three of us prior to being believers (we all became followers of Jesus in college) held trust as a number one and if you broke that – good luck getting it back.  I sat there knowing, I may have just destroyed two of the best relationships I have had in the last eight years – and I certainly bruised it, but God has been so gracious to me yet again.  They forgave me.  They want to trust me (though I said please feel free to question me).  They want the best for me.  They want me to fall more in love with Jesus.  They really are on my team.  Such a practical picture of the gospel played out in my life.  I felt like the prodigal son – so undeserving, yet they welcomed me with open arms.

Will there be things in the future that I decide to do that these two think are unwise?  Without being one that knows the future, I can still fairly confidently say absolutely.  Will I be honest and upfront about it?  By the grace of God, I sure hope so – because being honest and disagreeing is far better than what we went through last night.  As one said last night, “No one was winning here,” we all had hurt and pain – though, that is not totally true.  There was a winner last night.  Jesus won.  Jesus ripped out that wedge that my sin had driven in because that is what Jesus does.  He rips open wounds and goes in and works and heals – and that is what he is doing in my life.  I do not  naturally trust people or believe they will be for me.  I too easily think I will do something to push them away.  Jesus Christ died to bring healing to this brokenness and He is committed to healing this wound.  He is using these two very practically in my life – even when I get in the way and seem to make matters worse.  He uses it for me to soak in truth and love deeper.  These two were a clear picture last night of how God, Himself, continues to forgive me.   Forgiveness at the cross does not run out.

Come back to Jesus, that is the only place where there is true freedom and joy.

Much love,

B

1 Comment

Filed under Devotional, Thoughts

The Shirt Off My Back…

Yesterday night, I was leaving a wedding.  I had noticed this woman sitting outside the building all day (I was in the wedding so had been there literally all day).  It was obvious she was homeless.  It appeared as though she had no one to turn to.  When I was leaving the wedding I was leaving in full on pain, hurt, and feeling rather pissed – and the best part, the person that caused all of that was my ride home.  Then, I saw Farah again.  Seeing her snapped me out of myself and before I knew it I was talking to her and getting to know her.  She looked so small and fragile – and who did she tell me cares for her?  Jesus.  She knows that the God of the universe has not left her or forsake her – and she is freaking homeless.  I just had a minor heartache and got mad at God.  Wow, talk about reality and perspective check.

After that lovely realization, I felt freer to listen to her – I wanted to hear her and learn whatever I could from her in a few short minutes.  As we were talking all I could think is what on earth do I have with me that I could give her that would actually help?  And it kept coming to mind – my blue flannel shirt.  But, wait – that is my favorite flannel that I wear all the time?!  Really – yes, really I couldn’t deny that it was all I had to give her and I knew it could be replaced.  Farah ended up not taking it because it clashed with her red skirt she felt, which then had me laughing – as I am a fashionista after all.  She has a routine and wanted to stick to it she said (we wanted to give her a night in a hotel), and she told us she felt loved even by the conversation.

I sit here today and remember Farah.  Is she perfect and without sin?  No, but she helped me last night.  If she can be where she is and still fight to believe that God is good, not withholding good, supplying all of her needs – then, me with the sad heart today, also can rest assured that though this is a very real feeling – I will be okay.  The God of the universe loves me, Brittany Hayes, whole heartedly because of Jesus alone.  And even better, He is far more committed to me and my good than I ever could be.  He sees the whole picture; I only have my vantage point – and remembering that gives comfort to my soul.  I know this is better – for both involved.

So, today with the help of the Spirit, I fight to rest – and yes, it is a good sweet rest that has already been made mine, but there is also an active fighting to stay in that rest.  I am my beloved’s, and He is mine – that is right where I belong.

Much love,

B

Leave a comment

Filed under Devotional, Thoughts

It’s Been Awhile…a Long While…

I cannot believe it has been over a year since I came here and shared thoughts.  I have been busy over at B. in the Know and have a fun time there, but it is far more at a surface level than what I am really thinking about and learning.  A lot has happened in a year – as one would expect.  A year ago I was still trying to decide where I wanted to move, and yes, it has taken me a year to decide BUT I finally have.

I spent all this time praying and pursuing options on both coasts, but started to realize I was half-heartedly open to staying.  I would pray, “Lord, if you want me to stay, make it clear and change my heart…BUT I really want to move, so please let that be the case.”  I was praying that way because I knew in my mind that I needed to be open to what the Lord had for me, but really I was so closed off to the idea of Minneapolis.  Why?!  The honest truth, it wasn’t sexy – it seemed to safe.  Was I just staying because I was afraid of the unknown?  Or was I desperately trying to leave because I am so darn independent, yearning to be different and blaze my own trail?  Now, both are extremes, but if you know me, I talk in extremes – just helps me flesh out my thoughts even if they are far more tame.  I traveled on a few trips to explore options, and every time felt an uneasiness…my intuition started kicking in and telling me slow down and listen.  Do not make this decision on your own.  So, after a few times of that (because I am far too stubborn and thankfully, God is extremely patient with me and persistent) I finally stopped – and listened.  And even more, started to admit to myself that maybe I didn’t have an answer because I was afraid of the answer.  I started to see – I love my job.  A lot.  So much that I do not dread Monday mornings, but rather enjoy them.  I love my city.  There is so much culture here and endless options of things to do and explore.  I love my friends – they are family to me and when I think about doing life with them, I get really excited.  I finally have relationships with my family.  So, why am I wanting to leave again?!  After some time, I decided to accept the answer it seemed the Lord was very clearly laying out for me – He is calling me to be in Minneapolis right now.  And, more than accept, I am excited.

I may know Minneapolis, but there is so much that I still do not know.  There are still adventures ahead for me.  I mean, the newest being the process of buying a house – talk about learning dependence on the Lord in a whole new way.  Dang.  It has been hard, but oh so good (guess that is a phrase for life, and not just beach project…).  And then, there have also been some other new things as of late that have been increasing my need for dependence on Jesus…but we can discuss those at a later date 🙂

So, friends.  Here I am.  A beloved daughter of the King.  Called to Minneapolis who greatly wants to see my coworkers, yogi friends, and neighbors come to know this sweet Savior.  The harvest is plentiful, and I am excited to be a laborer in this city.  I am excited to trust Jesus as I put some roots down.  Who ever thought they would hear this little free-spirit talk about putting roots down and making a commitment longer than two years?!  This is a big step.

Does commitment freak you out?  How do you walk through that?  

Much love,

B

1 Comment

Filed under Thoughts

Where I Have Been…

<a href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/6686859/?claim=eq36jfhfkpp”>Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Well, it has been awhile – to say the least since I stopped in here to say hi or inform you where I have been.  Guess that kinda makes it hard for you to be with me…so, here I am.  Time has flown by – can you believe it is already April?!

Time has been flying because I have been working – a lot.  Though, I am not complaining because I have found that I actually really enjoy working.  Sometimes, I think I may enjoy it too much.  It is not due to loving what I do per se, but it is a place to get lost in – to escape the reality of what is really happening in life.  This, my friends, is not healthy nor okay – I don’t want to be that woman who is in a relationship with her job – but it is so easy to get suck in.  How does one fight against this temptation?

It is so easy for me to sit and justify to myself why I do this.  But at the end of the day, it comes back to it is sin that stems out of unbelief.  And this unbelief has multiple facets that is nasty.  I want to fix myself – but that is the point I think God is trying to hit me upside the head with – I CANNOT FIX MYSELF.  I need to stop being so freaking self-reliant and independent.  I need to be more patient (great – not what we would call one of my strengths).  I need Jesus.  I need to trust God.  And I need to let the Holy Spirit work.  I am thankful that I am not saved by the strength of my faith or my attempt to live the “good Christian life” – whatever that truly is, but rather I am saved by the subject of my faith – Jesus Christ. Alone.

Since I have been gone I have not only been at work.  I also went to California.  Where the saga of to more or not to move still continues.  Though, I am not going to expound on that right now – we will save that for a future post and thought.  I still have not made up my mind one way or the other, but this process is showing me a lot about myself, relation to others – and especially my relation to the Lord.  It has been hard, but good – seems to be a common theme in life (and a phrase used far too much, I want to find another way to word it, naturally…).

Do you ever find yourself being a workaholic?  How do you fight it?  What helps you?

Much love,

B

5 Comments

Filed under Devotional, Thoughts, Travel

I Have Destroyed Myself, But He Resotres Me…

Do you ever look in every direction and all you see is failure?  Or to put it bluntly – your sin.  You see you are the problem here, there, there, oh and wait – there, too.  You are left with nothing to boast in.  Nothing to say – oh look I am doing so well here!  If you do – you are not alone.  I would also want you to know – that is not a bad thing to see that, as long as you do not stay there.  If you stay in the introspection, well I guess that is your sin, too (which I know all too well).  Thankfully, we are not left there.  We are failures – in every area – but we have a far greater savior – who covers all of that – and takes us as we are – messed up broken sinners and restores us.  That is amazing.  Thomas Reade said it well…

“Everything within me bespeaks my condemnation. There is not one spark of goodness in me. As a shipwrecked mariner, I must sink beneath the waves, if help is not provided.

But oh! how wonderful is the love of God against whom I have sinned. He stretches out his arm of mercy to save me from perishing. He speaks with melting kindness: ‘You have destroyed yourself, but in me is your help.’

Placed on the Rock of Ages, on Jesus, the sure Foundation, my soul is penetrated with gratitude while I listen to the gracious voice of my Redeemer – ‘I, even I, am he that blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and will not remember your sins.’”

This is where I get lost in introspection and destroy myself a little more.  But this is also where my Heavenly Father graciously meets me and reminds me I am His and He is restoring me.

Happy weekend, friends – hope you have fun celebrating Valentine’s Day!

Much love,

B

2 Comments

Filed under Devotional, Thoughts

How to Care for Introverts…

It is funny, but oh it is so true…

Much love,

B

8 Comments

Filed under Thoughts