Category Archives: Music

Not For a Moment…

Life happens.  Every day – it changes.  There are new things we live through.  Some happy and some sad and some just meh.  They affect us, and not all in the same way.  Do you ever have times when life seems to be happening and you feel like you are more just letting it happen to you and not really engaging in it – really living it?  Really experiencing it?  The last couple of days have been like that for me, until I was broken of it this evening.  But before then…

I have an addiction:  I am addicted to playing with fire.  And not in the literal sense, but let me tell you – it is still very possible to get burned.  And this type of burn needs something a little bit stronger than aloe vera.  In my addiction to fire, it seems to never fully sink in why I like it so much.

My counselor said to me last week (after a firm correction that was very much-needed to confront my current fire play) – “Brittany, your addiction to play with fire and live with passion is a gift – but it is intended to run after the fire of God.  Play with Jesus in the fire – that burn will not leave you scared.”  Isn’t it funny how our greatest strengths – my desire to live on the edge and live with passion – can be used for good OR I can take control and use it for destruction.  She also reminded me, some pain we are meant to walk through – and some is a result of foolish choices that is self-induced – aka the pain brought on by my addiction to playing with fire.

So, is the playing with fire an issue?  Yes.  But even more, I need to understand why I play with fire.  What does that come from?  Then I realized, there is this lie inside of me I still believe – I am not valuable, not lovable, only worth second best – so, no need to care for yourself – burn away.  Lies.  All freaking lies.  They are so subtle and creep up when I do not even expect them – but when they come, they come on strong.

Yesterday, I was talking with my mom about gardening.  I just bought a house last summer, so this is my first summer gardening.  She loves to garden and I thought – it would be so fun to have her come help me and have a mother-daughter day.  Well, she didn’t think so much.  I didn’t ask why – you know why I didn’t ask?  Because I didn’t want to hear her answer – I figured I knew it.  I wasn’t worth helping like that, wasn’t worth spending time with – I simply wasn’t worth loving like that.  Now, is that a completely irrational conclusion?!  Absolutely.  But, it is the honest conclusion – because I am still a work in progress who has broken thinking and it does not take much to set off those old thought patterns.

All day today I knew I was off, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.  There were a few interactions I had that were more trigger points, but still I couldn’t make full sense.  Then, on my drive home from the office I called a dear friend and lost it – I started to see how I was still living like a broken girl who doesn’t deserve love and is okay with being treated like second best – but I’m not, that hurts and is really lonely.  Then, I stopped thinking about it for a few hours.  Later, I was driving and Not For a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews came on the radio – yes, I was listening to Christian music.  I knew my heart needed something and that was the fastest way to get a dose of truth in me.  Jesus met me in that moment in my car and started to soften me.

I arrived home to a house all to myself.  No escaping my thoughts here.  I was catching up on email and one was from another dear friend who shared a story about a fight she had with her husband.  I started weeping – and I mean curled up in a ball bawling.  The story was a picture of how I felt I have been yelling at Jesus recently and his response is not to leave me, but rather, he weeps for me.  His heart breaks to see me hurting like this.  He died to make me his own – and not just another number to him; a beloved daughter – precious and lovable.  Even in the dark, even when it is hard – He will never leave me because he is constant – and what sweet, sweet news that is to this gal who is the furthest thing from constant.

Healing comes.  I am sure this is not the last time I will deal with this set of lies, I mean I have been wrestling with them my whole life – but truth and love come and meet me.  It does not always look the same – and that is good.  For tonight, there is rest and peace in my soul.  I am kept and held – no matter if I feel it or not, but thankfully tonight I feel it.

Remember – everything will change.  In the dark, it will change and get light again.  And in these sweet moments of rest in Jesus – be thankful, for you know this moment will change, too.   We live in a world that is always changing – but Jesus is not changing.

Thanks for letting me share a little slice of life that is happening right now.  Have you felt Jesus meet you recently when you were feeling on your own?  

Much love,

B

PS.  Here is the video – listen to the song.  Really listen to the lyrics.  They are true – and can be true for you if you let Jesus into your life.  He wants in – that I can promise you. (And for those of you who know me really well, yes – I have listen to this song 36 times in a row and counting…)

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Feeling 22…

So, I am a huge lover of music.  There is something about it that helps me express deeper emotions – something I can resonate with.  I love when I am listening to a song and can feel like, “Yes – you get me.”  It is nice to know you are not the only one to ever feel that way.  Recently, I have been listening to Taylor Swift’s new album Red.  She gets single women – probably because she is one.  Maybe I seem to relate to ever song because not too long ago I went through a really crappy break up and was hurt in a way I never had experienced before, and maybe it is just I am a single 27-year old female who wants to be loved and adored.  Either way – Taylor we are resonating, and I don’t think we are alone on that. 
 
Seriously, every song – the order of the songs even is perfect.  I personally love that first we have I Almost Do (a song about wanting to call and go back to your ex) followed directly by We are Never Getting Back Together (rather self-explanatory) because those two together, in that order – oh yep I know exactly who those two make me think of – and I am sure that the majority of you could also probably do the same.  And then, there are all the fabulous rebound songs, too – hello 22 you nailed it.  No matter what your age, if you are rebounding you are feeling 22.
 
The best lyric from 22 I think is, “You look like bad news.  I gotta have you, I gotta have you.” Oh yes, been there – done that. Why do we do this to ourselves?  Women – why do we acknowledge that, “Yes – you are a bad idea.  Thus, I want you.”???  What is so deeply built into us that it sucks us in every time.  Why are we unable to learn from the past?  The best is when we let the same guy draw us in time and time again.  It is just absurd.  Right?! 
 
What does the bad boy have to offer?  Why do we not like the idea of the safe guy?  Believer or non-believer – it is an issue.  It is an issue that I thought would go away eventually after becoming a Christian – but nope.  Eight years later, still an issue – and it is not getting any easier as I get older and all the “safe” or at least safer options my age are dwindling – but those bad options, they seem to becoming up everywhere.  Are these guys okay with being the bad idea?? 
 
The guys with the more rough on the edges and bad boy feel to them often are the dark and mysterious type that is confident.  Those things are not bad – in fact, I personally am praying that if the Lord would have me married that my husband would be those things – at first (hoping the mystery part would go away as I get to know him) – but also, he would be a man who loves Jesus.  In my full resting in the gospel moments I am there – I want that – I trust God with where He has me.  But, in my weak moments when I am lost in the moment and not thinking big picture and this really cute guy just asks so nicely and then is saying everything I want to hear – yup, I’m done for. 
 
So do we stay hopeless?  Is this an ongoing cycle until my earthly Hosea or Boaz comes along to rescue me?  NO.  Or at least is doesn’t have to be.  It is not a fight that is won in one day; rather, it is a daily fight.  A daily fight to keep trusting Jesus, keep leaning and depending on him.  You cannot do it on your own – but the good news is you are not expected to do it on your own either. 

I certainly do not have all the answers figured out on this one.  And am still wrestling with it personally – but I just had to get some of my thoughts out I have been thinking about recently.  If any of you have thoughts please share – and not just women, I always welcome a man’s perspective (okay – those of you that know me well know that I do not always welcome a man’s perspective – but I am growing in that and welcoming it right now 🙂 )

Much love,

B

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Tradition…

Today is the annual event of the release of Cities 97 Sampler.  This year marks the 22nd anniversary.  They only make a limited amount to be sold at the Target stores in the metro area.  They sell out the day they are released, and at some stores they sell out before the doors even open.  Meaning, if you do not wake up early and stand out in the cold waiting in line you will be out of luck.  That is not a risk I am willing to take, and thankfully every year I have had a friend to accompany me and stand in the brisk Minnesota morning with me.  It helps the time pass by as we talk about life, what we are learning, what we are sifting through, processing thoughts of potential future options, and music…wonderful music, specifically that which we will have in our hand once we are inside in the warmth. 

Now, this is only the second year I have actually personally gone out to get the sampler, but it is going to have to be a tradition.  It is just too good to pass up if you ask me.  What they do to make this cd is take music recorded in the Cities 97 Studio C or at the Basilica Block Party (put on by Cities every July) by artists that travel through Minneapolis.  They are amazingly talented musicians that are true artists, and that is evident by the fact when you take all the fancy producing away they still sound amazing…and in some cases, even sound better.  I love good live music, thus I love this cd every year.  It even sounds better playing nice and loud in my new car (which is still setting in that I really have a new car and it is not a rental or anything…).

Ash & B...proud owners of Sampler 22

So, that is my mid-November tradition.  Do you have fun little traditions to look forward to throughout the year?

Much love,

B

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Filed under Music, Tradition