Life happens. Every day – it changes. There are new things we live through. Some happy and some sad and some just meh. They affect us, and not all in the same way. Do you ever have times when life seems to be happening and you feel like you are more just letting it happen to you and not really engaging in it – really living it? Really experiencing it? The last couple of days have been like that for me, until I was broken of it this evening. But before then…
I have an addiction: I am addicted to playing with fire. And not in the literal sense, but let me tell you – it is still very possible to get burned. And this type of burn needs something a little bit stronger than aloe vera. In my addiction to fire, it seems to never fully sink in why I like it so much.
My counselor said to me last week (after a firm correction that was very much-needed to confront my current fire play) – “Brittany, your addiction to play with fire and live with passion is a gift – but it is intended to run after the fire of God. Play with Jesus in the fire – that burn will not leave you scared.” Isn’t it funny how our greatest strengths – my desire to live on the edge and live with passion – can be used for good OR I can take control and use it for destruction. She also reminded me, some pain we are meant to walk through – and some is a result of foolish choices that is self-induced – aka the pain brought on by my addiction to playing with fire.
So, is the playing with fire an issue? Yes. But even more, I need to understand why I play with fire. What does that come from? Then I realized, there is this lie inside of me I still believe – I am not valuable, not lovable, only worth second best – so, no need to care for yourself – burn away. Lies. All freaking lies. They are so subtle and creep up when I do not even expect them – but when they come, they come on strong.
Yesterday, I was talking with my mom about gardening. I just bought a house last summer, so this is my first summer gardening. She loves to garden and I thought – it would be so fun to have her come help me and have a mother-daughter day. Well, she didn’t think so much. I didn’t ask why – you know why I didn’t ask? Because I didn’t want to hear her answer – I figured I knew it. I wasn’t worth helping like that, wasn’t worth spending time with – I simply wasn’t worth loving like that. Now, is that a completely irrational conclusion?! Absolutely. But, it is the honest conclusion – because I am still a work in progress who has broken thinking and it does not take much to set off those old thought patterns.
All day today I knew I was off, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. There were a few interactions I had that were more trigger points, but still I couldn’t make full sense. Then, on my drive home from the office I called a dear friend and lost it – I started to see how I was still living like a broken girl who doesn’t deserve love and is okay with being treated like second best – but I’m not, that hurts and is really lonely. Then, I stopped thinking about it for a few hours. Later, I was driving and Not For a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews came on the radio – yes, I was listening to Christian music. I knew my heart needed something and that was the fastest way to get a dose of truth in me. Jesus met me in that moment in my car and started to soften me.
I arrived home to a house all to myself. No escaping my thoughts here. I was catching up on email and one was from another dear friend who shared a story about a fight she had with her husband. I started weeping – and I mean curled up in a ball bawling. The story was a picture of how I felt I have been yelling at Jesus recently and his response is not to leave me, but rather, he weeps for me. His heart breaks to see me hurting like this. He died to make me his own – and not just another number to him; a beloved daughter – precious and lovable. Even in the dark, even when it is hard – He will never leave me because he is constant – and what sweet, sweet news that is to this gal who is the furthest thing from constant.
Healing comes. I am sure this is not the last time I will deal with this set of lies, I mean I have been wrestling with them my whole life – but truth and love come and meet me. It does not always look the same – and that is good. For tonight, there is rest and peace in my soul. I am kept and held – no matter if I feel it or not, but thankfully tonight I feel it.
Remember – everything will change. In the dark, it will change and get light again. And in these sweet moments of rest in Jesus – be thankful, for you know this moment will change, too. We live in a world that is always changing – but Jesus is not changing.
Thanks for letting me share a little slice of life that is happening right now. Have you felt Jesus meet you recently when you were feeling on your own?
PS. Here is the video – listen to the song. Really listen to the lyrics. They are true – and can be true for you if you let Jesus into your life. He wants in – that I can promise you. (And for those of you who know me really well, yes – I have listen to this song 36 times in a row and counting…)