The other night I was meditating, for an hour – dang, a lot can go through one’s mind in an hour when all you are doing is focusing on your breath. I know that is a weird concept to most to sit in one place, come to the breath and experience what happens. Does something profound always happen? No, by no means. But Monday night, the Lord met me as I sat on my little cushion outside and shook me up a bit with reality. It’s funny how that happens…
I have found myself thinking about why we want what we can’t have a lot recently. Probably because I seem to have to deal with it a lot recently in a new way, or not really new, but in a new setting – ambiguous enough for you?! Okay, great. Some days are worse than others, but every day there is this pull between saying f-it – I want what I want and playing with fire (the flesh, if you will) and acknowledging that the desire is real but not worth indulging in (the Spirit). It is annoying – I wish I could just accept it and move on, but I can’t. It’s not that simple.
I think that the other night when I was meditating that was one of the key parts that hit me. I heard inside myself, that yes – that desire is real – do not try to deny that, for that will not make the desire go away. It is dangerous to live in denial of our desires because then we aren’t actively fighting against them (and to clarify – desires are not bad and sinful, but there can be sinful desires and this is one that falls in that category), which makes it easier to carelessly walk into indulging them. The Lord does not want me to deny that I have a sinful desire – He wants me to see that I am weak and need Him. I need the Spirit to work inside me and fight my flesh. I am weak – but He is made strong in my weakness. There was a peace that came over me when I realized this at a new level on Monday night. Has it taken away the desire? No. Has it changed my perspective on how I view the desire? Yes. Has it helped me accept where the Lord has me today and seek to really learn what He has for me right here in the present? Yes. For those things, I am thankful – though, I will be completely honest – I would love to have the circumstances be different and not have to deal with this at all – BUT if I had it my way I wouldn’t need to be dependent on Jesus. I wouldn’t need to be coming back to my breath and waiting on the Lord to speak to me. So, I guess it is good that I can’t always get what I want – a lesson my earthly father tried to teach me many years ago, but for some reason it was a hard one for me to grasp…not that it is super easy today, but it is easier to accept at 27 than it was at 7.
I don’t know about you, but I sure am thankful for grace – especially the grace that protects me from my self.