Monthly Archives: May 2013

Not For a Moment…

Life happens.  Every day – it changes.  There are new things we live through.  Some happy and some sad and some just meh.  They affect us, and not all in the same way.  Do you ever have times when life seems to be happening and you feel like you are more just letting it happen to you and not really engaging in it – really living it?  Really experiencing it?  The last couple of days have been like that for me, until I was broken of it this evening.  But before then…

I have an addiction:  I am addicted to playing with fire.  And not in the literal sense, but let me tell you – it is still very possible to get burned.  And this type of burn needs something a little bit stronger than aloe vera.  In my addiction to fire, it seems to never fully sink in why I like it so much.

My counselor said to me last week (after a firm correction that was very much-needed to confront my current fire play) – “Brittany, your addiction to play with fire and live with passion is a gift – but it is intended to run after the fire of God.  Play with Jesus in the fire – that burn will not leave you scared.”  Isn’t it funny how our greatest strengths – my desire to live on the edge and live with passion – can be used for good OR I can take control and use it for destruction.  She also reminded me, some pain we are meant to walk through – and some is a result of foolish choices that is self-induced – aka the pain brought on by my addiction to playing with fire.

So, is the playing with fire an issue?  Yes.  But even more, I need to understand why I play with fire.  What does that come from?  Then I realized, there is this lie inside of me I still believe – I am not valuable, not lovable, only worth second best – so, no need to care for yourself – burn away.  Lies.  All freaking lies.  They are so subtle and creep up when I do not even expect them – but when they come, they come on strong.

Yesterday, I was talking with my mom about gardening.  I just bought a house last summer, so this is my first summer gardening.  She loves to garden and I thought – it would be so fun to have her come help me and have a mother-daughter day.  Well, she didn’t think so much.  I didn’t ask why – you know why I didn’t ask?  Because I didn’t want to hear her answer – I figured I knew it.  I wasn’t worth helping like that, wasn’t worth spending time with – I simply wasn’t worth loving like that.  Now, is that a completely irrational conclusion?!  Absolutely.  But, it is the honest conclusion – because I am still a work in progress who has broken thinking and it does not take much to set off those old thought patterns.

All day today I knew I was off, but I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.  There were a few interactions I had that were more trigger points, but still I couldn’t make full sense.  Then, on my drive home from the office I called a dear friend and lost it – I started to see how I was still living like a broken girl who doesn’t deserve love and is okay with being treated like second best – but I’m not, that hurts and is really lonely.  Then, I stopped thinking about it for a few hours.  Later, I was driving and Not For a Moment (After All) by Meredith Andrews came on the radio – yes, I was listening to Christian music.  I knew my heart needed something and that was the fastest way to get a dose of truth in me.  Jesus met me in that moment in my car and started to soften me.

I arrived home to a house all to myself.  No escaping my thoughts here.  I was catching up on email and one was from another dear friend who shared a story about a fight she had with her husband.  I started weeping – and I mean curled up in a ball bawling.  The story was a picture of how I felt I have been yelling at Jesus recently and his response is not to leave me, but rather, he weeps for me.  His heart breaks to see me hurting like this.  He died to make me his own – and not just another number to him; a beloved daughter – precious and lovable.  Even in the dark, even when it is hard – He will never leave me because he is constant – and what sweet, sweet news that is to this gal who is the furthest thing from constant.

Healing comes.  I am sure this is not the last time I will deal with this set of lies, I mean I have been wrestling with them my whole life – but truth and love come and meet me.  It does not always look the same – and that is good.  For tonight, there is rest and peace in my soul.  I am kept and held – no matter if I feel it or not, but thankfully tonight I feel it.

Remember – everything will change.  In the dark, it will change and get light again.  And in these sweet moments of rest in Jesus – be thankful, for you know this moment will change, too.   We live in a world that is always changing – but Jesus is not changing.

Thanks for letting me share a little slice of life that is happening right now.  Have you felt Jesus meet you recently when you were feeling on your own?  

Much love,


PS.  Here is the video – listen to the song.  Really listen to the lyrics.  They are true – and can be true for you if you let Jesus into your life.  He wants in – that I can promise you. (And for those of you who know me really well, yes – I have listen to this song 36 times in a row and counting…)


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Filed under Devotional, Music, Thoughts

You Can’t Always Get What You Want…

The other night I was meditating, for an hour – dang, a lot can go through one’s mind in an hour when all you are doing is focusing on your breath.  I know that is a weird concept to most to sit in one place, come to the breath and experience what happens.  Does something profound always happen?  No, by no means.  But Monday night, the Lord met me as I sat on my little cushion outside and shook me up a bit with reality.  It’s funny how that happens…

I have found myself thinking about why we want what we can’t have a lot recently.  Probably because I seem to have to deal with it a lot recently in a new way, or not really new, but in a new setting – ambiguous enough for you?!  Okay, great.  Some days are worse than others, but every day there is this pull between saying f-it – I want what I want and playing with fire (the flesh, if you will) and acknowledging that the desire is real but not worth indulging in (the Spirit).  It is annoying – I wish I could just accept it and move on, but I can’t.  It’s not that simple.

I think that the other night when I was meditating that was one of the key parts that hit me.  I heard inside myself, that yes – that desire is real – do not try to deny that, for that will not make the desire go away.  It is dangerous to live in denial of our desires because then we aren’t actively fighting against them (and to clarify – desires are not bad and sinful, but there can be sinful desires and this is one that falls in that category), which makes it easier to carelessly walk into indulging them.  The Lord does not want me to deny that I have a sinful desire – He wants me to see that I am weak and need Him.  I need the Spirit to work inside me and fight my flesh.  I am weak – but He is made strong in my weakness.  There was a peace that came over me when I realized this at a new level on Monday night.  Has it taken away the desire?  No.  Has it changed my perspective on how I view the desire?  Yes.  Has it helped me accept where the Lord has me today and seek to really learn what He has for me right here in the present?  Yes.  For those things, I am thankful – though, I will be completely honest – I would love to have the circumstances be different and not have to deal with this at all – BUT if I had it my way I wouldn’t need to be dependent on Jesus.  I wouldn’t need to be coming back to my breath and waiting on the Lord to speak to me.  So, I guess it is good that I can’t always get what I want – a lesson my earthly father tried to teach me many years ago, but for some reason it was a hard one for me to grasp…not that it is super easy today, but it is easier to accept at 27 than it was at 7.

I don’t know about you, but I sure am thankful for grace – especially the grace that protects me from my self.

Much love,



Filed under Devotional, Thoughts